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Did u know?

The 1st known contraceptive was crocodile dung , used by Egyptiansin 2000BC.
(

and they figured that out using trial and error? eew... wonder what they else they would have thought of?)

A full moon always rises at sunset.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesnt wear pants.

Human thighbones are as strong as concrete.

Like finger prints, every1's tongue prints are different.

Honeybees kills more people worldwide than all the poisonous snakes in combined.

(BEWARE THE DEADY HONEYBEE!lol)

Each year insects est one third of the worlds food crop

(well just kill the little buggers and then there goes world hunger! simple! lol)

A snail can sleep for three years.
(then y r they so slow? if i got 3 years sleep i would b zipping round everywhere!)

1.5 billion kilograms of chocolate are consumed worldwide each year.
(MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

now THATS wat im talking BOUT!)

The King of Hearts, in a pack of cards, is the is the only king that doesnt have a moustache.

A foetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.

Starfish dont have brains.

Cats have better memories that dogs. (So THATS y cats r so snobby! They remember every stupid thing u ever do! Dogs dotn remember so they r so happy 2 c u all the time!)

The average human will drink about 72 737 litres of water in a lifetime.
(What's the bet acholhol consumption is higher? Especially in us Aussies! Aussie Aussie Aussie! OI! OI! OI!)

The largest number of children born to one woman is 69 and shes Russian.

(Whew girl! dont u have any crocodile dung over there? lol

)

A catfish has more than 27 000 taste buds. (What is there that tases so good in a fish tank?)

One human brain generates more electrical impulses in a day than all of the world's telephone put 2gether!

The bloodhound is the only animal whose evidence is admissable in an American court. (JEEZ! i thought that WE were dumb! American break the dumb record with that 1! (no offense 2 and yankies out there) )

On average 13 people dies every year from vending machines falling on them!

An elephant van throw a baseball faster than a human.

The total length of all eyelashes shed by a human in their lifetime is over 30 metres!

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

No words in the english language rhyme with month, orange, silver or purple.

Every time u lick a postage stamp , u r consuming 0.1 of a calorie. (who cares!)

The modern flushing toilet was invented by Thomas Crapper. (gee and he had the honour of having escrament named after him!)

The human brain is about 85% water. (that solves the drought we have been having down here!)

Swan are the only birds with penises. (no comment)

The poisonous copperhead snake smells like fresh cut cucumbers. (and some1s gotten close enough 2 find out? like "ge...to read MORE click below

~*~ 30 Harsh Things a Woman can Say to a Naked Man~*~

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

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Come to this site

Edited by Chief

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A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with
him for $500.00. So they spent the night together.

In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not
have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check
and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing
that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a cheque for
$250.00 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied.
2. There was plenty of heat.
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously
occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the
following reply:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there
is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the
apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to
hire someone to remove your furniture.

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Bill, Hillary, and Al Gore were all killed in a plane crash, and went to Heaven together. There they encountered God, sitting on His magnificent throne.

God said to Bill, "Well, you've certainly led an interesting life. What can you tell me about your convictions that might entitle you to sit at my side?"

Bill said, "I believe in the inherent goodness of mankind, the need for us to help each other, and the ability we each have to make each other happy."

God said, "That sounds good. You may sit here at my right hand."

Then He looked down at Gore from His magnificent throne, and said, "Al Gore, what can you tell me about your convictions?"

Gore replied, "I believe that we are put here to protect the earth and each other, to value all of your creatures, and to obey your word.

God said, "That's good. You may sit here at my left hand."

Then He looked down at Hillary and said, "What can you tell me about your beliefs and convictions?"

Hillary replied, "I believe you're sitting in my chair

:D

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An elderly woman went to the doctor and asked his help to revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor."Not a chance," said Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. We call it Viagra Coffee. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on." A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible, doctor." "What happened?", asks the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, cleared off the table, at same time ripped my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible." "What was terrible?", said the doctor, "was the sex not good?"

"Oh no doctor, the sex was terrific, the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."

Funeral Expenses:
A man dies "in the act" and rigor mortis has set into his private parts. The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow. "I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra large coffin or to amputate his member."

"Well I have no more money,"states the widow, "and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece."

The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brain-wave: He'll amputate the member and then stick it up the deceased's backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece. The widow reluctantly agrees.

On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased's face, looking for all the world like a teardrop. The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the "teardrop" and says to him quietly, "See, I told you it hurts!"

Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra:
10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "One-a-day, like iron"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Here's the beef!"
and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. Just do her. ...to read MORE click below

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A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." the dog replies. "So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running." "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten quid." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Cause he's a fu##ing liar. He's never done any of that stuff"

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The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British governments 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ scousers.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari Management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first practice session, not only were the Scouse Pit Crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, rebadged and sold the vehicle over to the MacLaren Team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilogram of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

Chest :D

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Someone sent this to me today :)

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd

multiplies, the economy grows.You sell the herd and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create irritating cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide at a fantastic profit.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

ENGLISH CORPORATION

You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't
know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION

You have two cows. You worship them.

CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.

You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A WELSH CORPORATION

You have two cows. The younger one is rather attractive!

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

Western suburbs style....

You have 2 stolen bulls but think they are cows you die the first time you try and milk them.

AN IRISH CORPORATION

Who cares, The EU really owns them now and the pub is still serving.

NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows. You don't know what they are used for as they aren't sheep. You shag them anyway.

Click Here to send this to a friend

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Top 20 Shortest Books
20. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton

19. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson

18. Human Rights Advances in China

17. America's Most Popular Lawyers

16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors

15. Detroit - A Travel Guide

14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"

13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

12. Easy UNIX

11. Al Gore: The Wild Years

10. Everything Men Know About Women

9. Everything Women Know About Men

8. French Hospitality

7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel

5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

3. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman

2. The Amish Phone Directory

And the number one World's Shortest Book:

1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

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WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ ?
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the
October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a
commercial airplane?

[All done? Check your answers below!]
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ:
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the
October Revolution?
*November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert
8) What color is a purple finch?
*Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.

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Two California bikers are riding through Texas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper walks up and stands there for a second, then whacks the biker with his night stick on the head. The rider slumps over his handlebars for a minute then comes to and asks, "WTF was that for?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your ride." Not wanting to make his situation with the law any worse, the rider says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license and it comes up clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around the back of the first bike and as he steps up next to the second rider the trooper smacks him with the nightstick on the head too.

After he recovers, the somewhat dazed biker asks, "Hey, Man!! What was that for?" The trooper answers, "Just making your wishes come true." Still incredulous, the biker follows up with, "Huh?" The trooper says, "I know how you California bikers are. Two miles down the road you're gonna look over at your buddy and shout, "I wish that redneck mutha would've tried that crap with me!"

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A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner.
As he is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another.

By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty. He says, "Ma'am, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts." "That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put em back in the bowl."

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Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: May I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it for driving drunk four times.
Officer: I see...May I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the second officer. The second officer snaps opens the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: I'll bet the lying git told you I was speeding, too.

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In the days of the old west, the town drunk/beggar goes into the saloon and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says "No! You already owe me plenty as it is." The drunk repeatedly asks again and again. Finally, the bartender says to him, "I'll give you as many drinks as you want, if you have the nerve to drink from the spitoon in the corner."

To everyone's amazement, the drunk begins to lift the spitoon to his lips and begins to drink. Everyone starts freaking out at the drunk and starts to scream, "OKAY...OKAY, you can put it down now! But the drunk keeps on guzzling away. More screams of disgust... finally the drunk puts the spitoon down.

Why didn't you stop when we said stop?

The drunk repies, "I tried to, but it was all in one piece!"

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An elderly couple are awakened during the middle of the night due the sounds of an intruder. Being very religious people, they did the only thing they could think of. The husband grabbed a Bible and his wife held his hand. They went out to confront this intruder. Upon seeing the intruder they were frozen in fear. All they could think of was "..“Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." So they both yelled out together "Acts 2:38".
Upon hearing this the intruder dropped to his knees and place his hands over his head. The wife rushes to the phone and calls 911 for the police.

The police arrive to find the intruder still on his knees with his hands over his head. They handcuff and take him out to the squad car. They question the couple and asked them what happened. The couple replied that they did the only thing they could think of was to quote a piece of scripture. The police were amazed they the intruder responded in that why to the scripture.

Back in the squad car the officers asked the intruder what scripture the couple had recited to make him surrender. The intruder responded stunned. "Scripture, I thought they said they said they had an axe and two 38's.

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A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he is invited to sit in the living room with her parents. He ate very spicey chili at lunchtime and is really feeling the building inner pressure.

Suddenly, the family dog jumps up on the couch and lays next to him. He decides that having the dog next to him, he can relieve some of the painful pressure. If anyone notices they will blame the dog.

He releases a rather noxious one, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." His releases get louder and even more noxious. This time the woman is visibly upset and yells much louder for the dog to get down. The boyfriend continues to relieve his inner pressure for several more minutes, proud of his quick thinking action.

Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get your ass down from that couch before he s*h*i*t*s all over you."

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Q. Why did the man remarry his ex?
A. To get his stuff back.

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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world."
The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

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An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial
pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for
90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his
progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then
calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No
taxes, no debt, medicine man free, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did
all the work. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night
making love to squaws"

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he
could improve system like that. "

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There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian church, the Methodist church and the Catholic church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and that they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days
later, the squirrels were back.

It was the Catholics who were able to come up with the most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

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Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar in Arizona.

Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off
.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flashers on and off, tooted the horn and then
switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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Two Irish men walk into a pet shop. They go directly over to the bird section:
Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, Put dem in a peeper bag."

The clerk puts the budgies in a bag, and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up on ahill, and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.

"Dis looks loike a fine & grand place,eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, before he hits the rocks below with a 'SPLAT!'.
As Paddy looks down he shakes his head and says, "Bugger dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too bloody dangerous for me."

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying a 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag,
and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun
and blows the parrot's head off.

Seamus continues to plummet until there is another 'SPLAT!' and his remains join Gerry's at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider."

A few minutes after Seamus has gone splat, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop, and he walks up carrying the now familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Bloody hell Sean! First der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you bloody hen glidin..."

[This activity is not recommended. Done on a closed course, by trained professionals.]

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Saddam Hussein and George W. meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches George W. in the face.

Confused, George W. carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks the American President in the shin.
Again Saddam laughs, and again President Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks George W. in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.

"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

Two weeks pass and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on

the American President's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.

They begin talking and George W. presses the first button.
Saddam ducks, but nothing happens.
George W. snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. President Bush roars with laughter.
When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens.
George W. falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Bush says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

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Why did the chicken cross the road???
Answers vary. Here are a few possibilities.....

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want
to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken
is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground
here.

COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
been allowed access to the other side of the road.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone
out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of
this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by
tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking bout your money,
money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to
cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see
the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the
"other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly
harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough
for us.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historical inevitability.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the
death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN
Wha...to read MORE click below

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NEW VIRUS Just got this in from a reliable source via email. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it ..... so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1955!

Symptoms of the Senile Virus:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.

I don't remember if I sent this one out......... I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Please forgive me if I've already posted this, but there's some sort of virus going around. Anyway, these are words of wisdom...hmmmm...now where's my keyboard...oh, ho, now where did you come from? Okay, folks, I hope you like the music!

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
15. Where am I?
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
19. Funny, I don't remember...something...
20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender
gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great
tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic - And that after shave
is just wonderful!" The man is obviously a little confused, but tries
to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette
machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the
machine. "You BASTARD. Oh my god you STINK. Do you know, you're
almost as ugly as your mother!"

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for
an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds. "The peanuts are complimentary,
but the cigarette machine is out of order."

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Pfizer Corporation is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will
soon be available in liquid form.
Agreement has been reached with Pepsi Cola USA where Pepsi will be
marketing this product in a power beverage suitable for use "as is",
or as a mixer.

Pepsi's proposed introductory Ad campaign claims: "It will now be
possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one".

Obviously, we can no longer call this a "soft drink".

This additive will give new meaning to the names of cocktails,
highballs, and just a good old fashioned stiff drink.

Pepsi will market this new concoction by the name of "Mount & Do".

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Two fair young lassies from Scotland were taking a stroll one afternoon and spied a handsome kilt-clad lad sleeping soundly under a tree. Having always wondered what a Scotsman wore under his kilt, they tiptoed over and took a peek. Well pleased with what they saw, one of the girls took the blue ribbon from her hair, tied it around his generous endowment, and tiptoed away again, giggling quietly. A while later, the lad awoke and went to relieve himself of the wee bit of malt he had drunk with lunch. When he looked down and spied the ribbon, he said quizzically, "I don't know where you've been, Laddie, but you've won first prize."

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There was this little boy whose family could not buy him a glass eye for his missing eye. Instead he had a wood eye and it look really good but the boy was very self conscious about it.
He came home one day from school and told his mother that a school dance would take place on Friday but he didn't want to go. His mother asked him why? He said that he was afraid that someone would make fun of him because of the wood eye. He said beside mom who would dance with someone who has a wood eye. It took a great deal of effort but his mother finally convinced her son to go to the school dance and have at least one dance.

Well, the boy goes to the school dance and notices that everyone is dancing except this one little girl who was sitting in the corner. He noticed that she had a wooden leg. He thought to himself this is perfect she has a wooden leg and I have a wooden eye. She would never make fun of my wood eye.

So he approached the girl and asked her if she would like to dance with him. She smiled at him as said "would I", "would I". Feeling hurt the boy jumps back points at her wooden leg and says "peg leg", "peg leg".

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Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and
forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a
woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't
know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together
and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You
know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys.
But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of
stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills.
She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are:
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they
kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older
than 30 can fit into their stuff.

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At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe she is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement.

She is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Two and two the mathematician continues to make four, in spite of the whine of the amateur for three, or the cry of the critic for five."

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If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time
If you can overlook when people take things out on you,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep soundly every night,
Then... you are probably the family dog.

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A preacher was walking down a dirt road and came to a farmer wiping the sweat from his brow.
The preacher said, "Mighty fine farm you and the Lord have here."
And the farmer said, "Yeah, well you should have seen it when the Lord had it all to himself."

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The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to
talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes" whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the
man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered,
"No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?" "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the
small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be
left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with
the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any
one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop
would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak
with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy
doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the
Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded
like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?" "A hello-copper," answered the whispering
voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an
awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss
asked, "Why are they there?" Still whispering, the young voice
replied along with a muffled giggle... "They're looking for me."

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Preacher man was walkin' a country road, and came upon a farmer, swearing a blue streak. His *@#&^%# mule wasn't pulling his *@#&^%#, dull, plow through the *@#&^%# rocky dirt due to the lack of *@#&^%#rain, to his satisfaction.
The Preacher called out, "Brother, Jesus never swore like that."
The answer came;
"Jesus didn't farm."

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Three old farmers were talking over coffee. "Yeah, I had a pretty big spread at one time." Said the first. "Just how big?" asked the second. "Well, I remember being able to go out, get in my pickup truck, and drive for fourty-five minutes without turning around and never leave my property." Replies the first. "That sounds like my place." Says the second, "Only I could keep going for at least an hour without leaving my place." The third sits there, listening to this; the other two turn to him. "I know just what you guys are talking about" he says, "I had a Dodge pickup once too."

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There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching.
So she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." which he did.
"Now take off my skirt." which he did.
"Now take off my bra."
Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
Now," she said, "take off my panties."
He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"

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A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies,
thinking (isn't that obvious?) "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the
equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

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SO TRUE!!

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because...

Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint, which was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans. When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the passenger seat was a treat

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle - tasted the same. We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.

We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them. We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again. We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue - we learned to get over it.

We walked to friend's homes. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.

We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law.

Imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them. Congratulations! Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

(If you aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us).

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Why Do People Have To Stare ?????

Dear Abby,

I met Laurie at a singles dance. I knew as soon as I looked at her she was too young for me. Right I was. I was 54 and she was 32. Twenty-two years my junior. I really regretted it because we got along so well that evening. She made me feel so comfortable in her presence. Our age difference didn't seem to matter to her as much as it did to me.

I told her I felt people staring at us. I said they are probably wondering if I am your father. She thought I was being silly and said if I wanted to see her again she would be honored to go out with me.

Laurie and I have been dating now for three months. I really like her and I think she likes me.

Still, everywhere we go, I feel people watching us. Sometimes they just outright stare. It is very annoying and I know it is our age difference that draws these prolonged looks from everyone we meet. I just feel so uncomfortable about this whole thing.

Why do people have to be so rude....?

Sincerely,

Ted

P.S.----- I have attached a picture of Laurie

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No offence intended ladies ;) feel free to come back with something...

THE FEMALE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS

Car Parking

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was
one of 19.36m (63ft 2in), equivalent to three standard parking spaces,
by Mrs Elizabeth Simpkins,driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on
12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate,
Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8
hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings
of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two
lamp posts.

Film Confusion

The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband
without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th
October 1990, when Mrs Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to
watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking
2min 40sec before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the
glasses?",revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own
record set in 1962 when she sat through 2min 38sec of '633 Squadron'
before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".

Incorrect Driving

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504km
(313mile) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn(GB) at the
wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two
miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke
billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for
the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right
indicator flashing.

Shop Dithering

The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st
August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham
branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs
Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were
both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the
changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs
Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and
exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs
Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when,
starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of
shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks, two days before
eventually going home.

Jumble Sale Massacre

The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble
sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on
February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial
scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush
at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore
dress costing 10p which escalated into a full ...to read MORE click below

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The real meanings behind what women say ;)

1. "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.)

2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

3. "Nothing"
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be that the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

8. "Oh"
This word --- followed by any statement --- is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead", sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a wom...to read MORE click below

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You might be a redneck if your dad walks you to school cause you are in the same grade.
you might be a redneck if your dad puts a beer in your lunchbox.
you might be a redneck if you are friends with wilfred.
thanks,mattesparza:D

ps: if you see this wilfred dont get mad get GLAD!!!

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This turned up in my inbox this morning... Very funny (if your male of course!)

Male Rules

We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose!

1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1) Sometimes we are not thinking of you. Live with it.

1) Saturday = sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1) Don't cut your hair. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.

1) Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1) Crying is blackmail.

1) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1) We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1) Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost any question.

1) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way.

1) Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway, it's genetic.

1) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1) Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we!

1) ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1) If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. Again, it's genetic.

1) We are not mind readers and we will never be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1) If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1) Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are pr...to read MORE click below

* You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
* Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
* Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
* You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
* Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
* You won't stop at a rest area if you have an em