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Download2me - Funny Jokes

Below you'll find some of the best jokes on the web - We have jokes in every category - clean jokes, racy jokes, kids jokes, dirty jokes, gross jokes, dirty, filthy, nasty, jokes, blonde, yo mama, lawyer, redneck, sports - Its all here. Remember if you have a great joke you can add ad it to this section

Did u know?

The 1st known contraceptive was crocodile dung , used by Egyptiansin 2000BC.
(

and they figured that out using trial and error? eew... wonder what they else they would have thought of?)

A full moon always rises at sunset.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesnt wear pants.

Human thighbones are as strong as concrete.

Like finger prints, every1's tongue prints are different.

Honeybees kills more people worldwide than all the poisonous snakes in combined.

(BEWARE THE DEADY HONEYBEE!lol)

Each year insects est one third of the worlds food crop

(well just kill the little buggers and then there goes world hunger! simple! lol)

A snail can sleep for three years.
(then y r they so slow? if i got 3 years sleep i would b zipping round everywhere!)

1.5 billion kilograms of chocolate are consumed worldwide each year.
(MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

now THATS wat im talking BOUT!)

The King of Hearts, in a pack of cards, is the is the only king that doesnt have a moustache.

A foetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.

Starfish dont have brains.

Cats have better memories that dogs. (So THATS y cats r so snobby! They remember every stupid thing u ever do! Dogs dotn remember so they r so happy 2 c u all the time!)

The average human will drink about 72 737 litres of water in a lifetime.
(What's the bet acholhol consumption is higher? Especially in us Aussies! Aussie Aussie Aussie! OI! OI! OI!)

The largest number of children born to one woman is 69 and shes Russian.

(Whew girl! dont u have any crocodile dung over there? lol

)

A catfish has more than 27 000 taste buds. (What is there that tases so good in a fish tank?)

One human brain generates more electrical impulses in a day than all of the world's telephone put 2gether!

The bloodhound is the only animal whose evidence is admissable in an American court. (JEEZ! i thought that WE were dumb! American break the dumb record with that 1! (no offense 2 and yankies out there) )

On average 13 people dies every year from vending machines falling on them!

An elephant van throw a baseball faster than a human.

The total length of all eyelashes shed by a human in their lifetime is over 30 metres!

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

No words in the english language rhyme with month, orange, silver or purple.

Every time u lick a postage stamp , u r consuming 0.1 of a calorie. (who cares!)

The modern flushing toilet was invented by Thomas Crapper. (gee and he had the honour of having escrament named after him!)

The human brain is about 85% water. (that solves the drought we have been having down here!)

Swan are the only birds with penises. (no comment)

The poisonous copperhead snake smells like fresh cut cucumbers. (and some1s gotten close enough 2 find out? like "ge...to read MORE click below

~*~ 30 Harsh Things a Woman can Say to a Naked Man~*~

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

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Edited by Chief

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A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with
him for $500.00. So they spent the night together.

In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not
have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check
and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing
that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a cheque for
$250.00 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied.
2. There was plenty of heat.
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously
occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the
following reply:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there
is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the
apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to
hire someone to remove your furniture.

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